Table Talk - Vayeshev 5768

What makes a crime a capitol offense? How bad must an act be to rise to the level that merits the death penalty? In reality, the action itself matters. But so does the identity of the perpetrator.

As Yosef languishes in prison, we learn about the tragic fortunes of the royal baker and vintner. They find themselves thrown into prison awaiting trial for seemingly heinous, terrible crimes. What did they do? What crimes did they commit? The Torah only tells us that חטאו – “they sinned,” לאדניהם מלך מצרים – “to their master, the king of Egypt.” (40:1) Rashi explains that a fly fell into the royal goblet and a stone landed in the royal bread.

Siftei Chachamim – a commentary on Rashi explains that from their punishments we can discover their crimes. The fly in the wine wasn’t necessarily the fault of the vintner, so the Pharoh restores him to his position. But the stone in the bread is only due to the baker’s negligence, so he gets the death penalty.

That’s it? A fly in the wine and a rock in the bread – and they’re thrown in jail? Doesn’t that seem somewhat extreme? Not really – because these men work not in a local bar or bakery, but in the royal palace. They serve the king. They enjoy the status of “Royal Baker” and “Royal Vintner,” and with that status come responsibility and obligation. The greater the honor and distinction, the higher the stakes grow, and the greater the consequences for even seemingly small slip-ups.

Imagine if they worked not for the king of Egypt, but the King of Kings!

An Alternative Chanukah Gift Guide

I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in a hospice room in Hartford Hospital, Bill Schulman (not his real name – but the story is true) lay dead in the bed next to me as I waited, together with Bill’s wife for the funeral home to come, and for Bill’s son to arrive from France. When her son finally arrived, we sat down at the small table to talk about funeral plans. As we began talking, Bill’s son stopped the conversation and asked a question (with his father still lying there in the room) that I’ll never forget: “When can we probate the will?”

I wondered what could make a person so selfish, self-centered and crass. Bill’s son answered my question, albeit unknowingly, during the shiva. Speaking lovingly about his father he told me, “We were always the first ones on the block to have anything. We had the first basketball hoop, the first color television – my father always bought us anything we wanted.” Indeed.

America celebrates its holidays – especially the religious ones – by doing what we do best. We buy stuff. I feel bad for Christian clergy. After all, America has transformed one of their holiest holidays of the year into a crass commercial extravaganza that now begins the day after Thanksgiving. We can’t even digest our turkey properly, as we have to rise at 5am to beat the crowds for the doorbusters. We all get “gift guides” in the mail: in newspapers, magazines, catalogues, brochures and mailings of all shapes and colors. And this commercialism colors our attitude towards our own holidays as well. Who doesn’t buy Chanukah gifts for their children or grandchildren? Do gifts have anything to do with Chanukah at all? And, most importantly, if we’re going to give gifts, what should we give that will enhance, and not detract from the greater message of Chanukah?

In all honesty, Chanukah gifts fly in the face of everything that the holiday represents. At the same time though, I must admit that I will be buying and giving my own children presents this Chanukah. Why? For three reasons: my parents gave me presents on Chanukah, my kids expect them, and it’s not fair to make them the only children in town who did not get anything for Chanukah. We have ingrained the notion of “presents” too deeply into our social consciousness to ignore them completely. But if we do give gifts, we can use those gifts to both express our love, and convey values that we hold dear.

First and foremost, gifts should be expressions of affection. They should not only say, “I love you,” but “I care about you and your interests.” For that reason, I’ve never been a big fan of giving money as a gift (unless the recipient really needs the money to cover expenses). A gift of money conveys the clear message that “I don’t really know what you want, so go buy it yourself.” But that check also says, “I couldn’t think about what you’d want and go out and purchase that thing for you. So get it yourself” If you’re giving a child or grandchild money for their college fund – great! But otherwise, think about what they like; their hobbies or interests and values – and get them something that matches those interests. If they don’t like it, let them return it (and don’t be hurt). At the very least, they’ll appreciate the fact that you took the time and energy to find something specifically for them. And when the item is gone – or lost or broken – the value of that time and thought and energy investment will endure.

If you’re buying something for a child, I have come to realize that our kids have way, way too much stuff. From electronics to games to music to toys, they have so many things that they don’t use a vast majority of them. Today’s latest and greatest device will by lying on the shelf next by next week. They don’t need another cellphone, or video game or television. So why not give a gift of time: get them a lesson with a tennis instructor, or tokens to the batting cages; tickets to a concert of a (kosher) musician or take them to a sporting event. And then take them there yourself – and give them time alone with a parent – which is what many kids really want most anyway. That way, when the game is over, the memory will endure but not gather dust in their room.

Finally, we often find ourselves trying to buy gifts for people who don’t really need anything – usually adults. What can you give to someone who – if he or she wants something – can and will go out and buy that thing themselves? You can give them something. You can value what they value. When I want to thank someone for a favor or give them a gift – and they really don’t want anything from me, I have found that a great gift is giving to a tzedakah that they like in their honor. That gesture (a) really does help others (b) is a great way to spend money and (c) strongly conveys to the recipient that I not only value them, but their values as well. That, to my mind, is a great gift.

Gift-giving season can be challenging, strenuous and difficult – even if you didn’t get up at 4am on Black Friday. But, with thought, care and consideration, giving gifts can be an opportunity not only to make our loved ones happier – but to make them better people as well.

Have a wonderful, warm, light and meaningful Chanukah!

Table Talk - Vayishlach 5768

As Ya’akov approaches the Land of Cana’an on his return home, he learns of Eisav’s plans to meet him on the road. Concerned about Eisav’s intentions, Ya’akov sends gifts to Eisav with a message of peace and goodwill. Yet, when the messengers return with the news of Eisav’s four hundred men, Ya’akov becomes truly afraid. ויירא יעקב מאד ויצר לו – “and Ya’akov became very afraid and he was very distressed.” Commentators struggle to understand what generates such great fear in Ya’akov. After all, God promises to protect and guard him on at least two occasions. So, blessed with divine protection, why is he so scared?

Some suggest that Ya’akov fears that שמא יגרום החטא – “perhaps sin would cause [his downfall]. Yet, Kli Yakkar rejects this suggestion outright. After all, God had reiterated his Divine protection just eight days previously. What great sin could Ya’akov have possibly committed that would produce such calamitous results in such a short time? Kli Yakkar offers one suggestion: flattery (in Hebrew known as chanifah - חניפה).

When Ya’akov sends the messengers to Eisav he takes a subservient position to his brother, showering him with lavish praise and flattery: “Say to my master Eisav…” (see 32:5) Afterwards, Ya’akov inherently realizes the dictum of Chazal which states that ‘One who flatters the wicked will ultimately fall into his hands.’ Ya’akov understands that when he flatters his wicked brother he unintentionally elevates Eisav’s stature and enables his evil behavior. After all, why should the wicked change his ways if his righteous brother is happy to lavish praise upon him?

What about us? When we praise people who perpetrate problematic performances, do we realize that we encourage that behavior to continue?

Table Talk - Vayetze 5768 - Shabbos Yerushalayim

With the ongoing talk in Israel about peace negotiations, and the current administration’s stated willingness to discuss abandoning parts of Yerushalayim to the Palestinian Authority (God forbid), the OU has designated this Shabbos as an opportunity to focus on the centrality of Yerushalayim in Judaism to enhance our connection to God’s holy city.

Not surprisingly, Ya’akov meets God at the beginning of our parshah in the future city of Yerushlayim. The Torah tells us that as he runs to Charan fleeing from his brother Eisav, ויפגע במקום וילן שם – “and he arrived at the place and he lay down there.” Ya’akov stops for the night and dreams of ladders, angels and God. But the Torah never tells us where that “place” is. Rashi explains that by calling it המקום – “the place,” we know exactly where it is, because we’ve seen that place before.

When God commands Avraham to sacrifice his beloved son Yitzchak, he also doesn’t specify the exact location. Yet, after Avraham travels for three days the Torah tells us that וירא את המקום מרחוק – “and he saw the place from a distance.” Again, the place remains nameless, but we call it הר המוריה – the location of both akeidat Yitzchak -- the binding of Yitzchak – and the prophetic dream of Ya’akov.

These two events that transpire on that mountain are only the beginning of a long history binding the Jewish people with that holy place. It’s that connection that we must rekindle and strengthen if we wish to ensure that Har Hamoriah remains a Jewish mountain. Let us take some time this Shabbos to learn about Yerushalayim, connect to the city, and commit to make some tangible effort to ensure that she remains eternally united.

Table Talk Toldos 2 - Could You Eat Avraham's Food?

You've just invented a time machine out of a Delorian (or some other nifty car), and have decided that the first person you'd like to visit is our forefather, Avraham Avinu. You get in the car, speed up to 88mph, and in a flash you're back in Cana'an basking under Avraham's tree. Naturally, Avraham runs to greet you, and before you know it, he's offering you dinner. Only after he places the tongue and roast beef in front of you do you begin to wonder: "Hey, can I eat this? Is it even kosher?" That all depends on how much you trust -- and take literally - the commentary of Rashi.
The Torah tells us that when Yitzchak attempts to journey to Egypt to avoid a famine, God appears to Yitzchak commanding him to remain in the Land of Cana'an, and God will give him the blessings of his father. Why does Avraham deserves these blessings? עֵקֶב, אֲשֶׁר-שָׁמַע אַבְרָהָם בְּקֹלִי; וַיִּשְׁמֹר, מִשְׁמַרְתִּי, מִצְו‍ֹתַי, חֻקּוֹתַי וְתוֹרֹתָי - "because that Abraham hearkened to My voice, and kept My charge, My commandments, My statutes, and My laws.'"
We're left to wonder what these different terms refer to. What statutes does Avraham keep? Rashi (Bereishis 26:4) immediately explains each of these terms clearly.

וישמר משמרתי - גזרות להרחקה על אזהרות שבתורה, כגון שניות לעריות ושבות לשבת:
מצותי - דברים שאילו לא נכתבו ראויין הם להצטוות כגון גזל ושפיכות דמים:
חקותי - דברים שיצר הרע ואומות העולם משיבין עליהם כגון אכילת חזיר ולבישת שעטנז שאין טעם בדבר אלא גזירת המלך וחקותיו על עבדיו:
ותורתי - להביא תורה שבעל פה, הלכה למשה מסיני:

Clearly according to Rashi, Avraham not only keeps the accepted ethical and moral laws that apply to any society. Moreover, he not only observes normative Torah law including Sha'atnez and prohibited foods. Rather, Avraham keeps everything -- the big and small, Torah and rabbinic, including the Oral Tradition and everything in-between. He wears tzitzis and washes neigel vasser in the morning, puts a blech on his stove on Shabbos, and uses a kos shelishi to make his tea on Shabbos (if he holds like R. Moshe). How does he learn all of this Torah? The Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 95) wonders the very same thing.

מהיכן למד תורה אברהם? ר' שמעון בן יוחי א' נעשו כיליותיו כשני כדין שלמים והיו נובעות תורה.

Those are some pretty knowledgeable kidneys! In any case, it seems clear that had you stopped to pick up Rashi on the way to Avraham Avinu in your time machine, while you might not have eaten the food, Rashi clearly would have.

Table Talk - Toldos 5768

Most of us consider Meah Shearim a rather religious neighborhood. From the numerous yeshivot to the seforim stores to the requested (and required) modesty restrictions, people classically associate Meah Shearim with frumkeit (religiosity). This association is really nothing new. Meah Shearim has always been a rather religious region.
While living in an area called G’rar, Yitzchak plants produce – and does well. וימצא בשנה ההיא מאה שערים ויברכהו ה' – “and he found that year ‘one hundred measures’ and God blessed him.” What are these מאה שארים (pronounced Meah Shearim) – “hundred measures?” What does Yitzchak find?
Rashi explains that after Yitzchak projects the anticipated yield for the crop that year, the field actually produces one hundred times the projected yield. Rashi adds, “And our rabbis said that this crop approximation was for the purpose of tithes.”
Siftei Chachamim (a super commentary on Rashi) wonders: why does Rashi feel the need to add this piece of information? Who cares why they approximated the field’s yield? He suggests that Judaism always frowns on measuring one’s wealth. The gemara in Baba Metzia (42a) tells us that, “We don’t find blessing in something counted and measured.” God gives His gifts whether we count them or not. For this reason, we refrain from counting our blessing, or chickens or even crops. If so, how could Yitzchak measure his expected field yield?
According to Siftei Chachamim, this must be why Rashi explains why Yitzchak counts his crop. He must measures merely for the purpose of tzedakah – to know how much to tithe from his crop, reinforcing the association between Meah Shearim and frumkeit (and tzedakah) to this day.

It's Official

Counting Our Blessings - Table Talk - Chaye Sarah 5768

Have you said “thank you” today? While we always considered expressing our appreciation polite, science teaches us that saying “thanks” can also be good for you. In fact, in her new book “Thank You Power”, journalist and author Deborah Norville demonstrates how by “beginning with those two small words, thank you… you can be happier and more resilient, have better relationships, improved health, and less stress.” (Full disclosure: I haven’t read the book. That’s in the press release.) But Norville is right on the money, because long before science discovered “thank you,” we learned about it from our parshah.

The parshah relates the long arduous journey of Avraham’s servant Eliezer in his search for a wife for Yitzchak. After finally finding Rivkah and determining that she’s the shidduch for Yitzchak, Eliezer asks for permission to bring the girl back with him to Cana’an. When Lavan and Betuel answer in the affirmative, the Torah tells us, “when the servant of Avraham heard their words, he bowed down to the ground to God.” Why does he bow down? Rashi explains that, מכאן שמודים על בשורה טובה – “from this we learn that we must give thanks for good news.” When I first saw Rashi’s comment, initially the lesson seemed obvious. But then I realized: when we think about our own lives, how many of us truly count the tremendous blessings that we enjoy in our lives? How often do we allow the small frustrations in life to cloud the greater good that give us pleasure?

Rabbi Berel Wein, in a little book called “Buy Green Bananas” writes: “Life, family, work, friends, society, are all sources of immense blessings. They are also invariably also sources of friction, disappointment and frustration. Our view of life should not be an image of a never-ending complaint department. Rather, it should be a place of hope and steadfastness. Such an attitude is achieved by counting our blessings consistently and sincerely.”

But we can take it one step further. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov writes: “When someone asks you how you’re doing, do not complain and grumble about your troubles. If you answer ‘Things are bad for me,’ then the Creator says, ‘That’s bad in your eyes? I’ll show you what’s truly bad.’ But when someone asks you how you’re doing, and despite difficulties and tribulations you say ‘Good,’ then the Creator says, ‘That’s good in your eyes? I’ll show you what’s truly good.’”

Davening Decorum: Making What’s Good Even Better - YIOP Bullentin November 2007

Talking in shul is an age-old problem – perhaps as old as shuls themselves. Rabbi Yom Tov Lipman Heller, the author of the Tosfot Yom Tov (a commentary on the Mishnah), penned a misheberach in honor of those who refrained from talking during davening as far back as the 17^th century. I personally believe that we talk in shul for a number of different reasons (some more legitimate than others):

1. We feel disconnected from the words that we say. If we knew and understood the prayers better we would talk less.
2. We haven’t seen our friends since last week, and see shul as a time to reconnect and catch up. After all, in Hebrew we call a shul a Beit K’nesset – “house of gathering” and not a Beit Tefillah – “house of prayer.”
3. There are a number of times during the davening when all we do is listen. From misheberachs to announcements to the repetition of the Shemoneh Esreh, throughout much of the davening we sit passively, not engaged in prayer. That passivity lends itself to a certain sense of restlessness and boredom, so we talk.
4. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, davening is long on Shabbos and Yom Tov mornings, and we often find it challenging to refrain from making a comment to a friend.

One comment doesn’t really hurt. But when everyone – or too many of us – make that one comment, the cacophony has the potential to ruin what could be a powerful spiritual experience.
The OU’s most recent Jewish Action magazine includes an article by Rabbi Danny Frankel, the executive director of the Young Israel of Woodmere in New York. Rabbi Frankel describes a concerted effort by the leadership and membership of their shul to change the culture of their shul from a “talking” shul to a “non-talking” shul. They made of number of significant changes, from having the members of the shul sign a “no-talking pledge,” to moving around some of the davening, to adding educational components about the davening to the rabbis’ talks.
Lately we have, to some degree, let things slip a little bit and allowed the conversation to grow inside our shul. To combat this trend, we don't need drastic changes. If we focus on small but subtle changes, we will improve the flow and tone of davening in shul.

1. First and foremost, each of us must check ourselves. We all have some quick and innocuous small comment to make to a friend. Unfortunately, all too often it’s neither small nor quick, and results in a conversation that disturbs others and disrupts the tone of the davening. If each of us makes an effort to be better about our own talking in shul, that collective effort will bring a dramatic improvement.
2. No one is perfect, but we are all mutually responsible. If we’re talking and someone asks us to stop (nicely, of course), don’t get insulted or upset. They’re right. We should stop. So, instead of getting angry and firing back, take the comment to heart and either take the conversation outside, or delay it until davening ends.
3. As a shul, we also need to improve the flow of the davening and minimize delays. If you’re given a kibbud or aliyah, please be present for the aliyah or kibbud to avoid unnecessary delays. In addition, if you want your family members named during a misheberach, make up a card with all of those names clearly written for the gabbai to read. It’s not fair to make the shul wait while someone tries to remember his wife’s cousin’s sister (on her father’s side).
4. Finally, we will be making other small changes to try and increase the flow and minimize talking opportunities during the davening. They might not be what you’re used to, so give yourself time to adjust to them to let us see if they really do make a difference in the level of talking during the davening.

If you struggle keeping up the pace of davening, it's better to slowly recite less of the prayers than to run through too many words without understanding them well. Take the time to read some of the prayers in English, and make an effort to learn the meanings of the Hebrew prayers, especially the Shema and Shemoneh Esreh. The investment of time that you make in understanding the davening will pay great dividends for years to come. Also, Rena gave a shiur on Tehillim that covered many of the Psalms that we recite during the davening. Her lectures are available to listen to online on our web site (www.spolter.net/mrs_spolter.htm) as well.
If you're interested in some reading material that will aid in understanding davening, I'd like to suggest the following titles that focus on davening or developing a closer relationship with God. You can find each of these books in the YIOP library, but do not remove them from the shul building.

• Family Redeemed, The Lonely Man of Faith, and an article called "Prayer as Dialogue" in Reflections of the Rav, Volume 1, all by Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik
• Rigshei Lev: Women and Tefillah, by Menachem Nissel
• How to Get Your Prayers Answered, by Rabbi Irwin Katsof (not in the YIOP Library)
  
• Living Inspired, by Rabbi Akiva Tatz
• The World of Prayer, by Rabbi Dr. Elie Munk
• Rabbi Schwab on Prayer (based on the teachings of Rabbi Shimon Schwab)
• If You Were God, by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan
  

We make a strong effort to maintain a sense of decorum in our shul, with significant success. But we still need to remain vigilant about the decorum inside the shul, to ensure that during our davening we converse not with each other, but with God.

Table Talk - Vayera 5768

How long should it take an angel to travel from Be'er Sheva to Sodom? Well, since you're immune to the laws of physics, it really should take no time at all. Yet, we find that while the three angels seem to take their leave of Avraham sometime during the day (they started eating during "the heat of the day"), וַיָּבֹאוּ שְׁנֵי הַמַּלְאָכִים סְדֹמָה, בָּעֶרֶב - "the two angels came to Sodom in the evening. (19:1) What took so long?
Rashi explains that the angels intentionally wait to arrive in Sodom in order to give Avraham a chance to argue with God and save the city. Only when Avraham's appeal fails do the angels proceed to fulfill their fateful mission. The Netziv (Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin, Lithuania, 1818-1890) writes in his commentary to the Torah called Ha'amek Davar, that while the angels themselves can travel instantaneously, Avraham accompanies them a distance of three parsaot -- a considerable way. Only when they take their leave of him can they "transport" to Sodom. They arrive in Sodom so late in the day due to Avraham's insistence on considering them his guests long after they leave his home.
In fact, Rambam (Laws of Mourning 14:2) explains that the rabbis decreed that accompanying guests out of one's home to be a rabbinic commandment based on Avraham's behavior. Rambam writes, "The reward for accompanying [a guest] is greater than all [other reward]. And this is the law that Avraham established and the custom of kindness that he practiced: he fed travelers and gave them drink and accompanied them...and accompanying them on their way is greater than welcoming them...Even if one only accompanied his friend four amot, his reward is great indeed!"